Let's start where it all started...

So, this (and the next) posts will be a series as I have a ton of pictures.

Lets start with the Bed and Breakfast we stayed at Casa De Leyendas


Looking over the balcony of our room to the courtyard below.





There is the beautiful shower.


One of the 4 public outdoor areas.


From a public balcony looking west.


From that same balcony looking east.


The public computer and tv area was very nice except for the swallows that would just come right in.


Looking down the marble stairs to the front door.


Downstairs living room.


Formal Dining room


Marky, the house dog.


The kitchen that we could use at any time.


Flowers by the cool off pool.



Next set, graffiti

"What's the matter babygirl?" he asks me in the middle of the night.

I feel like a failure even though my mind tells me to knock it off. I have missed appointments, forgotten things; let the house get out of control.
And I know, it’s silly to feel this way but I can’t help it till I process it. I can’t turn feelings off; I have to push them through.

My house is a mess. Addie just turned 7. I FINALLY got my computer network to work, with the help of a good friend and some bribery involved. I made food for 15 people and took it to my mothers. And there is softball and performances at Addie’s school. Mia is two and never walks. She is either sleeping or running. Her favorite thing to do is rip paper.

And the inane part is, life is good. These are just minor bumps and annoyances.

I feel like I am falling apart, tiny bit by tiny bit. I feel like my writing has suffered and I can’t put my mishmash of thoughts into sentences.

Addie was sick yesterday for her birthday party. She didn’t get to eat her “nutmeg meatballs” that she requested and made (along with meatless version for my mom). She did have some vanilla cake with strawberries and whipped cream but I forgot the special 7 candle, so it was pretty ghetto.

I don’t know. I just feel like …… I’ve lost my hold.

And then, just now, Dan sends me a link through e-mail…

And I remember that I have to share both good and bad. It’s not all my fault. And it’s ok when it’s not perfect.

I’m ok when I am not perfect. Wow, I think I’m emotionally 5.

And Dan just told me that I’m his best friend, followed by the kids. And now I cry…..

(I’m ok, really, just letting it out.)

I'm coming back around...

I feel separated from me in my usual, I’m hiding over here but really right here or there or somewhere. I’m at this disconnected place while I wait for the spontaneous acclimation back into my life. I will wake up one morning someday in the future and my mind will fucking finally have put the pieces back together. I know life in the past month has been too much all at once. I will just wait it out.
I’m still waiting to get used to the fact that I indeed found my birthmother and that she’s funny and nice. She’s still a stranger though. We are still in that awkward what’s your favorite color place and I don’t like it. I do like her though, which I never expected to.
We watched the 40 Year Old Virgin the other night and I was uncomfortable for the characters in the movie. I did laugh, it was funny, but they were embarrassed and shy and uncomfortable and didn’t quite know how to just be themselves till the end of the movie and I felt it all with them. And, I know that’s silly and they are just imaginary people, but I can’t help it. Real or not, I get involved.
And I am not used to arguing with my mother about parenting and then questioning my gut. Addie wanted to walk the dog around the block alone. We talked about not crossing streets, stranger danger, stopping at alleys and looking before crossing them. We talked about running if she feels afraid for any reason and then I let her walk around the block. My gut says it’s ok. My mom thinks otherwise. I’ve talked with other parents and it’s a gut call. It depends on your kid, your neighborhood, your life. I believe that giving kids independence teaches them common sense. There will always be limits and safety but she will learn how to think on her feet, be comfortable in the world and take care of herself. My job as a mother is to put myself out of business. We all need our parents, even as adults, but I will never have kids who can’t function without me. I can give them that much.
And I still have not uploaded the pictures from Mazatlan, though I will soon. Softball practices, the gym, reconnecting with friends and family have all taken the forefront recently. (Not to mention getting better and sleeping of course.) Soon, I tell you, soon.
I am starting to feel better already, as I write this. Maybe I just needed to say it…

And we are back...

We are back from Mexico and we had a great time. I feel a little sick and disconnected from life at the moment.
I feel like there is a whole lot I "should" be doing but I cant figure anything out.

I guess getting back into the swing of things is in order.

Pictures soon...

Finally.

We talked on the phone yesterday and mostly we said, “Oh my god.”
And we laughed, a lot. She’s my kind of funny.
And she cares a lot and is intense, like me. She feels a lot.

And now the tears come because I can say finally
Finally!
Answers to questions I’ve always had
And can’t remember to ask in the moment but she tells me anyway.

She told me those things I longed for.

She told me that she made the doctor bring me back into her room to say goodbye to me.
She told me that she counted my fingers and toes. She told me that she promised me, a new born baby, that I would have a better life, that she loved me and that she would see me again.

She kept her promise.

And I thanked her for giving me to the best family a person could imagine. I thanked her for having that wisdom. I told her how I’ve always known of her, birthmother. I told her how I never carried fairy tale illusions or dreams of being whisked away. I just wanted someone who looked like me. I just wanted someone ‘like’ me.

And we cried and laughed and I don’t really remember what else we said, but it was good. I am truly blessed and honored for this life.

It's been a long strange trip....

I got a spam message from reunion.com and as deleted it, a light bulb went off in my head. Hey, I’ve never checked there.
There was no high school in the town I was born in. Crap
I looked at Google Maps and wondered where the high school would be. I took a guess and typed in the next closest town I could see on the map and her maiden name.
And there she was, in text on the screen, the right birthday, birth place, and the elusive married name. It was unclickable though, as reunion.com is a paid site.
I googled her town and married name.
I found her.
I found a picture in the local newspaper of her playing with her grandson.
I found her myspace and I wrote a letter.


Hi,

My name is Eating Dust and I was born Sept 17th 19$% in Blah Blah California. I think you may be my biological mother.

I was adopted by an amazing family and after having kids of my own I cant imagine how hard it was for you to give up a baby.

Anyway...

Never thought I would find you on Myspace. My mom and I have been looking for a long time. I never quite seemed like the right time, but I guess now it is.

with hope,

Eating Dust

(Note: I used my real name, dont worry) ;)

Two days later, yesterday, I got a response.


Hi Eating Dust
I am very excited that you have found me!!! I hoped you would try. I'm not really sure what to say or what to write. please call me at 530-***-**** . I have a picture of you at 8 months old i look at it often. you have a sister and two brothers.
Birthmother K



There were a few more excited and short exchanges yesterday. We exchanged information and this morning I wrote this.


Hi Birthmother K

What a whirlwind of emotion, wow. I am so happy, content and a lot of other adjectives too. One of which is that I am a little apprehensive about everything and I think that may be because I never expected to find you. I also never expected for you to be looking for me. I guess it's one of those don't get your hopes up so you don't get disappointed sort of things.
I just want to thank you for giving me to my amazing family. I cant tell you how thankful I am for that.

My mom explained to me when I was too young to remember that I grew in another woman's tummy, but she couldn't take care of me even though she loved me a lot so she gave me to a family who could take care of me and love me. I grew up knowing your name and wondering what you were like and with the understanding that you were young when you had me.
My family is so excited to hear about you and see you and your other kids.

Speaking of them, what are their names and ages? What do they do? What do they think about all of this?
Can I email them?

I am sorry I didn't call you last night. I am 2 hours later here in Wisconsin so I would have been really late for me. I will call you this weekend.

Eating Dust



My brother wants to know if this means that he has more relatives. I told him that they are optional relatives. He laughted.

My mom wants to know if she can call her and talk to her and come with me to visit and is about 5 miles farther down the road than I am, but it’s good and happy.

And strange and sort of sad and happy and weird and someone can wake me up now.

I am dreaming right?

Changing definitions...

You don’t get to call me that. You don’t get to touch me.

“Fat girl” rings in my ears like I am 12 and hitting puberty early. Fat, soft, plump, round, beautiful, plush, athletic, strong and safe. I’ve taken these words back. They are mine and you don’t get to call me that in that way.

I felt the anger burn like it did before I could control it. Before I could keep the peace within myself, you would have been flattened, “little boy”. We call all see the cracks in the façade. You took a cheap shot and it’s almost sad how pathetic you are.
See? I can do it too. I can use words as hateful things, swinging them around like weapons, sharpened to as effective as possible.

You have a lot to learn about drinking, people, and life, what to say and when to say it. You have a lot to learn about women, friends and love. You have a lot to learn.

And your inebriated brain didn’t understand why those things were coming out of your mouth. You flat denied it. You apologized. You professed your love and told me to look at you.
And I did and said, “You don’t get to talk to me like that. I don’t want to talk to you. Fuck off.”

Friend is a loosely defined word and you no longer fall into the definition.